Log in

No account? Create an account
Pissed off - Male to Female, however you choose to say it [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Male to Female, however you choose to say it

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Pissed off [Sep. 25th, 2010|01:13 pm]
Male to Female, however you choose to say it


So after 39 years of hating myself and hating everyone around me I decided to finally admit openly I am trans.
I have set about restoring my body and mind from years of self neglect and abuse I have put myself through. I am back in college and seeing a therapist. The other day I was in my first day of class and it hits me I am no different than all these other woman. I am looking at about 39 women of every size, shape and style.
From the punk chicks to the prepy girls all of them have a unique look and style. Now here is where I get pissed.
If any of them want to change a physical feature ether through makeup, hair style, or as drastic as surgery. Our culture has no problem with it. If any of them wanted to go get some implants they need a simple consultation and then to schedule the surgery. All I want to do is the same thing. I want to make my self look like the person I am on the inside. It just takes a little more work, time and money to get the same results. So why do I need to be diagnosed with a disorder to go about it. If you ask me its our culture that has the disorder. I am just trying to be me.
I have spent most of my life trying to fit the boy mold I was shoved into and now that I finally come out I have a disorder. F*ck that! I don't have a disorder at most I have a birth defect and in my opinion thats even pushing it. So yes I am pissed off! I want to tell my therapist to get bent and just leave my head alone. I don't need a shrink I need to be me. But O no... If I want to get hormones or surgery I need to be a good little girl and play the game, wasting more of my life and money. I am done playing other peoples games by there rules. The ball is in my court now and I am going to crush that f*cker. Why does the trans community keep playing this game? Why are we not in the streets saying hay f*ck off this is my body not your body. Who are you to choose what I do with it?
So Ya I am pissed. What about you?

(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: shelleybear
2010-09-25 09:50 pm (UTC)
First, welcome.
I didn't have the strength to come out until I was 51, so you are still ahead of me.
Second, we know instinctively what we are, and, given the chance to experiment (and to have the results accepted by society) we would be in a much better place a whole lot sooner. HOWEVER we are the fear creature that walks in the night. The contradiction to every rule that society tries to slam down our throats. Basically, we represent a total affront to the status quo.
I don't like the fact that we have to be judged as "ill" either. I'm not "Ill".
I'm simply "wrong" at the moment. A situation I am working on changing.
But, I will tell you, that a good shrink (one that, as far as a non-trans person can understand a trans person) can be helpful.
My therapist, after one month told me she'd give me the letter as soon as I wanted it. that I understood myself and my situation better then she ever could.
I've decided to stick with her after transition because she has been a blessing when it comes to helping me work through non-trans issues.
So, don't write them off.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: admiralzeka
2010-09-25 09:50 pm (UTC)
Yeah I agree, if anything it's a medical disorder not a psychological one. It just shows that people can spend years in college and in practice and still be completely wrong about some things.

What pisses me off about it most isn't so much the medical industry's treatment of it but everyone else's. If someone were to harass someone in a wheelchair people would say wtf that's terrible. Yet having a different condition, still just as much beyond a person's control, is somehow grounds for discrimination, hate and harassment by society?
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: siegeengine
2010-09-25 11:38 pm (UTC)
I dunno, it doesn't bother me that much... maybe because I work in the psych field. It seems to me that trans is labeled a disorder because it's different from the norm, which is true, and so they make people jump through the hoops just to make sure that they really are prepared for what they're going to do.

I know what you mean, though... I saw a story once about someone on one of those tv talk shows that felt they were supposed to have a tail, and so were having surgery to have a tail added to themselves. They didn't have to go through psychological screening... they just did it, so really it isn't fair at all.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: shelleybear
2010-09-26 12:01 am (UTC)
Perfectly explained in a few sentences!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: siegeengine
2010-09-26 01:47 pm (UTC)
that's a good point, because certainly they always point out that, well, there's depression, and then there's depression... and there's anxiety and then there's anxiety and so forth...

Depression and anxiety are labeled as perfectly normal and part of being human, unless it gets to the point where it impinges on your ability to function in the world. Why should trans be different? As can clearly be seen here many people are actually disordered up until the point when they realize they are trans, and then they are much more able to cope with and function in the world.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: ohka15
2010-09-25 11:49 pm (UTC)
It is sad that some people wish for us to take it slow but they are trying to make sure we are truly transgender as well I suppose.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: capybyra
2010-09-26 01:52 am (UTC)

Here's a phrase of healing -I used to be disgusted now I try to be amused..

Congrats and my benediction upon your taking control. Many of us take longer in our lives than others to take our selves under OUR control. And thus beginning to become well- what we need to be. Anger at times can be a good mental hygiene tool. But in time, we can adopt a more sustainable sort of mindset. Amusement Vs Disgust.

The phrase is from an Elvis Costello song. It's been my mental salvation in so many ways and mayhaps it may be so for more of us. For a reason that becomes very important whilst we are finding- and becoming- our true selves. Oh, call it a deflector shield crafted from awareness. Like the awareness some of us get sooner or later that we know what we need to be- or not be. The disgust for intolerance can over time become a soft, sad amusement that we're taking control of our lives whilst "they"= the intolerants etc are controlled by wrongness.

No, it's not going to be an easy thing to apply our Humour as antidote to their hatreds. But it's a form of healing that's worked for me..

Yeah, some humour can be wry with an unkind punch line. Or be a "coping skill" humour where WE can laugh WITH each other about some shared jokes. Even if some sad, unkind punch lines of life gets misread as to who "really" gets that last laugh. I've also come to a calm acceptance that we who take control of our lives can adopt an amusement at so much of life. Including the unfunny jokes being lived by those who are unable to see that life's not needfully a zero-sum game. Which means that not every win has to cause a loss to someone else :)

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: idlesolace
2010-10-16 02:59 am (UTC)
I couldn't agree more.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: Dontina Baby
2011-07-19 09:47 am (UTC)


Hello Dear,
My name is Liana i saw you profile today and became intrested in you and i want you to contact me back through my private email(lianadon@rocketmail.com)
here so that i can give you my photo for you to know whom i am,and remember that distance or colour doesn't matter anything but love matters allot in life,am waiting for your reply.
(Reply) (Thread)