||[Sep. 25th, 2010|01:13 pm]
Male to Female, however you choose to say it
So after 39 years of hating myself and hating everyone around me I decided to finally admit openly I am trans.|
I have set about restoring my body and mind from years of self neglect and abuse I have put myself through. I am back in college and seeing a therapist. The other day I was in my first day of class and it hits me I am no different than all these other woman. I am looking at about 39 women of every size, shape and style.
From the punk chicks to the prepy girls all of them have a unique look and style. Now here is where I get pissed.
If any of them want to change a physical feature ether through makeup, hair style, or as drastic as surgery. Our culture has no problem with it. If any of them wanted to go get some implants they need a simple consultation and then to schedule the surgery. All I want to do is the same thing. I want to make my self look like the person I am on the inside. It just takes a little more work, time and money to get the same results. So why do I need to be diagnosed with a disorder to go about it. If you ask me its our culture that has the disorder. I am just trying to be me.
I have spent most of my life trying to fit the boy mold I was shoved into and now that I finally come out I have a disorder. F*ck that! I don't have a disorder at most I have a birth defect and in my opinion thats even pushing it. So yes I am pissed off! I want to tell my therapist to get bent and just leave my head alone. I don't need a shrink I need to be me. But O no... If I want to get hormones or surgery I need to be a good little girl and play the game, wasting more of my life and money. I am done playing other peoples games by there rules. The ball is in my court now and I am going to crush that f*cker. Why does the trans community keep playing this game? Why are we not in the streets saying hay f*ck off this is my body not your body. Who are you to choose what I do with it?
So Ya I am pissed. What about you?
I didn't have the strength to come out until I was 51, so you are still ahead of me.
Second, we know instinctively what we are, and, given the chance to experiment (and to have the results accepted by society) we would be in a much better place a whole lot sooner. HOWEVER we are the fear creature that walks in the night. The contradiction to every rule that society tries to slam down our throats. Basically, we represent a total affront to the status quo.
I don't like the fact that we have to be judged as "ill" either. I'm not "Ill".
I'm simply "wrong" at the moment. A situation I am working on changing.
But, I will tell you, that a good shrink (one that, as far as a non-trans person can understand a trans person) can be helpful.
My therapist, after one month told me she'd give me the letter as soon as I wanted it. that I understood myself and my situation better then she ever could.
I've decided to stick with her after transition because she has been a blessing when it comes to helping me work through non-trans issues.
So, don't write them off.